A Meeting At The Local 2-27

"Thank you. Thank you for coming. Please be seated. Thank you. That's very nice. You're too kind, thank you.

I'd like to start by thanking the Elks, Local 2-27. Thank you for waving the deposit for the hall today. Also thanks to the fine men at the Lincoln County Fire Department for lending us their ladders and buckets. Very nice of them. And, of course, the lovely women of the Ladies Christian Auxiliary. These women have worked tirelessly for the cause. Making flyers, organizing protests. Is Margaret Saunders here? Stand up Maggie! Maggie's brown betty was an inspiration to us all at the bake sale. What's that Maggie?"

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"Hah! I'll have to ask my wife about that!

Thank you all so much. Without you this wouldn't even be possible. Alright, If we can all be seated again we'll get started. Dave, can you get the lights?

Friends, there's an evil in our city. Every day it grows and spreads throughout our streets. It's an evil that makes our children think degradation, violence, and loud music is 'cool'. It hides right in the open, trying to blend in. Trying to convince us there is no problem. And it has fooled some of us, hasn't it? That's right. Those tree-hugging, patchouli-stinking, Washington liberals don't want you to know about this problem. They don't want us to know about our elderly being trampled under hoove, right in broad daylight, right here in Olton! They don't want us to know about the back room deals they've made with these things! Trading our security, our freedom, for some cheap rejuvenating magics! Am I right? I think we all know the evil I'm talking about! I think you all know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!"

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"Dave can you get the slide?

...Unicorns...

That's right, unicorns. And we all know where this started, right? The Fantasian Refugee Act! Yes! That liberal, leftist doctrine that made it possible for mythological creatures to gain citizenship. That Act let those...BEASTS bring their filth here, apparently to avoid persecution. You know what I think? Maybe they should be persecuted! Yeah! Maybe there's a good reason the dwarves initiated those cleansing projects! Think about it. What have the unicorns done since they've been here? How have they repaid us for our kindness? They can't work, we all pay for their federal aid. They drain the grain and hay for our working livestock. They've taking over our nationally protected public parks for grazing. And now...now...now they've started to spread their culture to our children! Unicorn music is becoming ever more popular. I've seen kids down at the park licking their horns! They say it tastes like candy, but recent research shows it may be coated in a hallucenogenic dust, and it may become addictive after repeated licks. The kids call it 'Lickin' Horn Dust', or 'Glory Horning'. Is this the kind of America you want to live in? Unicorn ain't no man! Unicorn ain't no American! Why should a Unicorn have the same rights as us real Americans?"

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"Calm down, please, calm down. This is all very serious, and that's why were here. We have a solution, yes, we have a solution. We have a final solution. Our own scientist, Dave, stand up Dave, Dave has been researching the unicorn anatomy for a while now, not with an actual unicorn, but he's made some discoveries. Apparently the unicorns are comprised mostly of a substance very similar to marshmallow fluff. They're just full of this fluff, with a light bone structure to stand 'em up. As we all know, marshmallow fluff disintegrates in room temperature milk. So if everyone could just take one of those buckets at the back of the room. That's right, single file please, there should be enough for everyone. If you can all get your bucket and follow Fire Marshall Keith out to the ladders we have waiting outside. When their pride parade passes by here today, I think you all know what must be done. We will triumph! The strike we make against the unicorn today will be felt throughout this country, and our movement will have begun! Hallelujah!"